A few weeks ago, I said goodbye to the strongest person I’ve ever known. My brother passed away after an extremely difficult recovery following surgery for esophageal cancer.
To say I’m gutted would be an understatement.
My brother Bryan was one of the good ones. He always has been.
And listening to stories about him at the memorial left me feeling inspired. As friends and family shared their memories, I was reminded of his character and values.
Given how much he inspired me, I wanted to share a bit about him and how he has reminded me what ‘living’ means.
A History of Resilience
As children of the 80’s, we had a Nintendo in our home. I was the sibling who risked damaging the console by the overwhelming urge to throw it out the window after failed attempts to pass any level. My oldest brother was more patient than me. But Bryan, the quintessential middle child, would make no fuss and just keep going no matter how many times he had to start over.
As he got into high school, he dabbled in sports despite not being naturally athletic. Unlike me, who tended to quit anything I wasn’t immediately good at, Bryan would persist. If he made a commitment, he saw it through. He showed up day after day without fail.
So when he was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma at 20 years old, he did what he always did. He faced it head-on and kept getting back up every time it tried to knock him down. He battled cancer 3 times during his undergraduate degree, including 2 stem cell transplants, and yet he still graduated cum laude with only one extra term.
Although the second transplant was successful, it came with all the challenges of introducing donor cells into the system. Yet once again, my brother showed his resilience as he navigated graft vs host disease while starting his life after graduation, working, getting married, and having kids.
In his 30’s, he faced new health challenges and had two more major surgeries. Each time, one of his first questions for the doctors would be, “When can I get back to strength training?” Despite everything he had been through, taking care of his body was a non-negotiable. He never let his health setbacks derail him for long.
Even these past few months in the hospital, he continually impressed his medical team because he didn’t give up the fight as long as he could keep fighting.
Living Intentionally
As one of his friends said at the memorial, Bryan knew he probably wouldn’t live to see old age. Because of this, he made the most of the present moment. He spent quality time with his kids, his girlfriend, his friends, and his family. He knew each day was not guaranteed and made the active decision to live a full life.
But here’s the thing. He didn’t just live in the moment. He still planned ahead as if he would live to old age. He made good long-term decisions and thought about what life would look like after his kids graduated.
In other words, he managed to do what most of us aspire to do: make the most of each day while also planning for the future.
Bryan lived with intention.
Learning from Regret
As I listed to the stories shared at my brother’s memorial, I couldn’t help but thing about regret. From what I could tell, he was choosing to live in a way that would minimize future regrets.
It reminded me of the book The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink in which he outlines four core types of regrets:
Foundation Regrets
Not building a solid foundation for the future, like failing to save money or take care of your health.
Boldness Regrets
Wishing you had taken risks, like asking someone out, applying for your dream job, or pursuing a passion.
Moral Regrets
Acting against your values or ethics, like lying, cheating, or making a choice you know is wrong.
Connection Regrets
Letting relationships fall to the background, losing touch, not keeping up, and failing to invest in people you care about.
The book suggests we can learn how we want to live by understanding our regrets.
A solid foundation. A little boldness. Basic morality. Meaningful connections. The negative emotion of regret reveals the positive path for living. — Daniel Pink
Yes, my brother faced more health challenges than most people, and I know this impacted his outlook on life. But as I reflect on his character growing up, it’s clear he was already living intentionally—building a foundation, being bold, acting in-line with his morals, and prioritizing the people he cared about most.
Losing my brother has been one of the most difficult things I’ve faced in my life. My heart aches. But my heart is also full when I think about him, who he was, his impact on others, and how he still inspires me even after he’s gone.