When you ‘don’t know’ something, it can be one of two ways:
- You know you don’t know
- You don’t know you don’t know
It’s all about awareness. Do you even realize you are missing information?
I’ve been thinking about blind spots a lot recently. The potential harm from our own blind spots, but also from other people’s blind spots.
Your blind spots
Have you ever found yourself saying, “If I had only known this sooner…”?
Sometimes these are small quality of life improvements—practical information you hadn’t known before (like when I learned to tap and hold the space key on your phone’s keyboard to move the cursor more precisely).
But other times it hits on a deeper level, challenging long-held stories and assumptions. When I learned the Four Tendencies framework about how we respond to expectations, it completely changed how I saw myself and others. After years of frustration over my ability to consistently meet other people’s expectations, but not my own, I finally had a new perspective. For so long, I watched others follow through on their own commitments with ease and assumed I was defective.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
After learning my tendency (Obliger), I was able to change the story I had about myself (you’re broken) and the feelings (shame), and instead I could lean into what I know works well for me: external accountability.
It was such an important shift, I actually became licensed to teach the Four Tendencies framework back in 2018. Although I stopped formally teaching it during the pandemic, I still share about it regularly, including this week’s new post.
Other people’s blind spots
Here’s the thing about the Four Tendencies. Once you understand people have a tendency to either meet or resist an inner or outer expectation, it changes how you think about follow-through.
And for people like me who write and teach about behaviour change, it’s critical to understand how people show up differently.
That’s why it’s a red flag for me when I see advice that presumes everyone can set and meet inner expectations if they just…
- change how they set goals
- follow this system
- use this tool
If you are a person who resists inner expectations, then changing your goals, systems, and tools won’t change the fact you resist inner expectations. It doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from changing any of these things, but it won’t magically change your instincts.
So if the person offering advice is unaware that people respond differently to inner and outer expectations, their advice will likely only be applicable to a subset of people. Be extra careful if that person makes you feel bad about yourself for struggling to follow-through on personal commitments.
Even Gretchen Rubin, who created the Four Tendencies framework, admitted to her confusion when readers of her early work on habits said they struggled with follow-through. Having not experienced that herself, she decided to look into it more. I’m glad she did, because it gave us the Four Tendencies.
Beyond expectations
Although I’m specifically sharing about the Four Tendencies today, there are multiple reasons a person can struggle to follow-through on a commitment. How you respond to expectations is just one factor.
If you feel stuck on something right now and don’t know your tendency, I encourage you to learn more and experiment with the strategy for your type. If you do that and still feel stuck, it’s a clue there’s something else holding you back.